BCD’S FUN THINGS TO DO THAT ARE ALSO, COINCIDENTALLY, KIND OF EDUCATIONAL:
Perusing Supreme Court CasesBy Kristen S.
I’m a moron. A nitwit. A drooling blockhead, shamefully ignorant of civic policy and governmental doctrine - especially the finer points of our judicial system. So, as part of my MA program last semester, I took a Media Law class.
I’m still a blockhead, but now I’m a marginally more informed one (woo-hoo!). Why? Well, besides temporarily giving me the impression I was Perry Mason, the course introduced me to the remarkably engrossing and often inadvertently hilarious world of Supreme Court cases.
Nowhere is there a more riveting collection of brilliant analysis, overt prejudice, fiery argument, xenophobic jackassery, and flat-out great American writing. Not even on “The Sopranos.”
Things I learned:
-Sterilizing the mentally retarded was once an acceptable practice in the U.S., and thanks to the 8-1 ruling on
Buck v. Bell (1927), completely legal as well. Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. wrote the Court’s majority opinion, and declared (wait for it …), “Three generations of imbeciles are enough.”
-Ruth Bader Ginsburg is the citation QUEEN. Not that Justices are legendarily stingy with attribution, but her honor can’t get through a sentence without footnoting and endnoting it to death. To wit:
Dear Diary,
Today (1), the tension between Antonin (2) and I nearly became too much to bear (3). How I long to tear off these robes and present myself to him, not as an Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court (4), but as a Woman in her post-menopausal prime (5).
Also, something happened with the unlawful detention of American citizens (6).
-RuthieBG
__________________________________
1. March 28th, 2006.
2. Scalia. Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court, 1986-present.
3. “Bear” meaning “handle,” not “large forest mammal.”
4. Me.
5. Again, me.
6. Rumsfeld v. Padilla, 124 S.Ct. 2230
(2004).
-George Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words” routine is transcribed in full in
FCC v. Pacifica (1978). Y’know, in case you need to find out if “cocksucker” came before or after “motherfucker” for your next paper (SIDE NOTE: I did.).
-William Brennan was a stud and a visionary. Eisenhower once called his appointments of Brennan and future Chief Justice Earl Warren (he of the Warren Commission) “damn fool mistakes,” but couldn’t have been dead wronger. W.B. called out social and economic inequities long before his peers were even aware that women, children and non-white people were living inside U.S. borders. Want proof? Check out
Furman v. Georgia (1972),
New York Times v. Sullivan (1960) and the aforementioned
FCC v. Pacifica (1978).
-Rehnquist? Kind of funny. Or at least, a lover of show tunes.
-Though presented with compelling evidence otherwise, in
Nix v. Hedden (1893), the highest court in the land unanimously determined the tomato was a vegetable – not, as argued, a fruit. This is disturbing because:
A) The Supreme Court ruled was forced to rule on the identification of a tomato,
And,
B) They were wrong! Okay, ostensibly, the decision was made for the benefit of produce companies, but – COME ON. Let’s imagine a similar situation, in which Americans start referring to “computers” as “bears”:
Scene: the Supreme Court, where Microsoft-Chairman-slash-world-famous-supergenius Bill Gates is making a case for calling computers by their rightful names. Don’t ask me why he doesn’t have a lawyer. I don’t know.
BILL GATES: Well, your Honors, there’s overwhelming evidence that this jigamathing with the pixels and wires is not, in fact, a large forest mammal, but a Commodore 64!
JUSTICE STEVENS: Doesn’t matter, Bill Gates, you jerk! If we say it’s a bear, then it’s a bear!
BILL GATES: (donates remaining billions to AIDS research)
(kills self in face)
JUSTICE STEVENS: Stenographer! Yeah, you, dollface. Clean this mess up already! Oh, and pull up my medication schedule on that bear over there. Thanks.
Predicted Ironic Coda: Stevens will be mauled by a grizz on a hunting trip in 2035. His compatriots will fail to heed the rescue calls of the 115-year-old Justice, believing him merely to be yelling at his Apple G23 again.
Whether it’s for massive self-improvement, a few giggles, or if you just want to find out if the tomato thing is true, FindLaw.com has a cornucopia of USSC (that’s what “lawyers,” “judges,” and “people” call the Supreme Court) cases right on your bear.
If you don’t go, Uncle Sam will smite you.
FindLaw.com
http://www.findlaw.com/casecode/supreme.html
BCD's PEOPLE WHO ROCK - CAROL HARTSELL
By Dustin D'Addato
Of all the people I have met while performing in New York perhaps no one has more of love of comedy than Carol Hartsell. If you’ve been to a comedy show in NYC in the last few years, odds are Carol was there laughing and enjoying herself. But it’s more than her stellar attendance that makes Carol our BCD Person That Rocks; it’s the way she genuinely cares about people, supports them and works her ass off trying to help the people that mean the most to her, often sacrificing sleep and just about everything else to help others achieve their dreams.
Carol is the co-producer of Drinkatwork.com, a hilarious website and blog. Along with her team of writers, Carol’s site entertains thousands daily and it’s readership is growing all the time. Rather than using the site to promote herself however, Carol uses it to help struggling comics get the attention she feels they deserve. “I want to play some small part in helping the people I like, whether it’s by featuring them [on drinkatwork.com], putting in a good word for them at another show, helping them dissect a performance, or just showing up and being a friendly face in the audience,” Carol tells BCD. Those who know Carol know that those are more than just words. Friend and comedian Sean Crespo describes her as “one of those sweet people who hopes for others, especially comedians, to reach their full potential. She sympathizes with the difficulties of comics.”
Alabama-born Carol may be sweet and nice and supportive, but you better not call her a soft southern bell. “People see the blonde hair, blue eyes and benevolent grin and never realize that it's all masking a sincere desire to start a fight club at that very moment,” says Carol. Her husband Francesco Marciuliano (or Ces as she calls him) adds, “She likes to fight. Well, she likes the idea of getting into a all-out brawl, followed by congenial slaps on the back and everyone buying drinks for each other.” According to Sean, she’s even taken her playful aggressions to the next level, taking part in what is described as an “on-going slap fight with me and Maryanne (a mutual pal). I mean, she keeps it on the down low in front of the hubbie and all, but she’s gotten in a couple sneaky slaps, which shocked me with their shear ferocity and agility. She’s a fighter, that one.”
If you are looking to be on the receiving end of one of Carol’s slaps, one of the best ways is to insult her current hometown of New York City: “People who disparage New York…they can die. I have no use for them.” Accordingly, Ces kindly informed BCD, “If you want to lose Carol's support and friendship immediately, just say something like, ‘I can't see how someone could live in New York.’ Then get ready for the crotch-punching of your life." Carol may even be the first person in history to ever attribute her niceness to being in New York, and claims, “I think I’m nice to people because I genuinely feel so happy to be here. I can get pissy and lose it every now and then, but for the most part I am constantly in love with everything about New York, even the inconveniences and assholes. I like being alone on the street in New York during the magic hour light when the sun has just gone down…it makes me feel small in a great way, like everything can suddenly be surprising and larger than life.”
Carol’s ability to see the beauty in small things is a big part of what makes her so special, and for a person who sees as many comedy shows as she does, that’s important. Take it from me, a lot of shows in the city are bad, but Carol doesn’t see it that way. “There are really ‘bad’ rooms I like going to for various reasons. With some shows you sit through a lot of crap to see one good person you didn't expect; with others, it's so bad it becomes this amazing experience; and with still others, you're just there to support your friends, and you wait and wait and wait and then they have a bad set because the crowd is drunk and rowdy and there's only three people in the audience anyway...and that in and of itself becomes the fun of it because you’re suffering through that with them. Bottom line is, if you love comedians you start to love the bad shows and sets, too, because you love the process that comedians go through.”
Carol’s love of comedians can easily be seen in the photo blog section of drinkatwork.com (http://www.drinkatwork.com/20d.html), 20D (named after her kick ass camera). At the 20D you can find pictures from all the shows that she attends. But they’re not just snapshots of comics on a stage. They are stunning and captivating portraits of a person. Each one could easily appear in art gallery in the world. “The reasons I like people are very specific, so when I take a picture of someone I want to capture whatever that thing is about them,” she says. “I don’t always succeed, but in a few cases I have. I think the affection I have for comics comes across, too. You don’t put a camera that close to someone’s face if you don’t like them.”
Now, Carol’s taking the next logical step in supporting all of her comedy friends, by starting her own show titled, Drink At Work Presents… “I wanted to create a show that would bring together some of the pros in NYC as well as the up-and-comers. I want to put people I’ve seen at open mics and places like The Duplex up with people like Tom Shillue, who is one of my favorites and has a built-in following. If we can create a room that gets a good audience but has the feeling of a place where you’ll definitely see something new, I think we’ll have something special.” Knowing how hard she works and how much she cares, I am sure it will be.
Ultimately, perhaps one of the most impressive things about Carol is how much she is able to just enjoy life and whatever it brings. “I guess the one thing I’ve realized is that I don’t want to live my life like I’m checking things off on a list,” she says. “I don’t want to decide that this is the way things are and I never have to think about them again. I like being surprised and open and searching. I change a lot and I don’t ever want to feel like that’s a bad thing.” She adds, “I don’t like uptight people, people who aren’t up for experiencing something they didn’t plan on, or people who are incapable of finding a glimmer of hope in a dark situation. One of the darkest moments of my life is hysterically funny to me, simply because it’s so absurd. I think true friendship probably lies in finding people who have the same threshold for gallows humor as you. And when I find someone like that I get so excited, I just want to be a positive part of their life for as long as I possibly can be.”
I think she has found that in spades in the two people with whom you can just about always find her, Ces and Sean. “Ces is my best friend and the best partner I’ve ever had in anything. We’ve both accomplished so much more than we could have independently, and we believe in each other and take care of each other. He’s also one of those rare people that you can trust implicitly. He’s sincere in everything he does and when he talks to you he really listens.” Similarly, Sean “is the ridiculous friend I should have had in college. He’s equal parts silly and smart, scathing and earnest. He’s also one of the few people, along with Ces, who makes me believe in my own creative abilities. You know those friendships where you know you’ve got each other’s back? It’s like that. Crespo’s got my back, I’ve got his.”
So if you are lucky enough to run into Carol at one of the many shows she attends I suggest you grab a drink with her after the show, because if this article didn’t convince you, you will soon discover this girl ROCKS!
WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HER:
“I have scoliosis. I had a surgery called Spinal Fusion with Rods. And, yes, sometimes I set off metal detectors at the airport. Also, if you hug me hard my back cracks awesomely.” – Carol Hartsell
“If you know her, you know this about her--she’s a sincere person with a good sense of humor. Just treat her with respect and you’ll get the same back, regardless of how famous or close-to famous you are. In that one respect, she reminds me of my loyal, townie friends back in Boston (although I do think the name Fitzy would suit her if she were a man). But if she’s anything like them, she’d just as soon take a pipe to your neck if you cross her or her friends.” – Sean Crespo
“Frankly, I think she's capable of almost anything she puts her mind to--and I don't say that lightly. She could quite possibly take over the world so I would get on her good side now, since it could mean the difference between serving as a cabinet member on her Legion of Doom or being processed as a source of high protein gruel (I already have dibs on Secretary of Acid Spray).” - Francesco Marciuliano
“When I was a kid, one of my teachers asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. My response was, simply, ‘A boy.’ When queried further I explained in what I can only assume was an exasperated tone, ‘Because girls can’t do anything!’” – Carol Hartsell
“She is extremely proud of her Korean heritage.” - Francesco Marciuliano
THINGS SHE WOULD LIKE TO PLUG:
Drinkatwork.com (http://www.drinkatwork.com)
Her hilarious and extremely well-written blog.
Drink At Work Presents… (http://www.drinkatwork.com/dawp_flyer.jpg)
The First show is Monday, March 27th. It’s located at Siberia (40th & 9th). The doors open at 8pm and the show is free. Follow the link above for more info.
WHERE SHE SEES HERSELF IN 5 YEARS:
“It would be cool to be in creative development somewhere, in a job that actually has the potential to give good writers and comics a real break. I also want to finally be making films of my own with friends. I’d also like to be wasting a lot less, making efficient, eco-conscious lifestyle choices, all that bunk.”
BCD'S POETRY CORNER: HAIKUS OF METALJanie Lane: who knew
"Cherry Pie" was merely a
Euphemism? All.
Oh, Bon Scott you ruled.
Why did vomit claim your life?
Brian Johnson – meh.
What's that? A nibble?
Unmistakable first bite?
Yes: for I'm twice shy.
Sexy, slithering
Plant yelps orgasmically.
Where'd he get those pants?
Beseechingly, I
beg: summon he who heals all,
this "Dr. Feelgood."
Slash, where is your hat?
Unidentifiable
You are without it.
BCD’S PLACES THAT WILL GIVE YOU WARM FUZZIES AND/OR SEVERE-BUT-WELCOME GASTROINTESTINAL DISTRESS: Charles’ Southern Style KitchenOn the outside, I am a pasty white woman.
On the inside, I am the unholy spawn of portly, dead “Gimme a Break” star Nell Carter and Food Network host Paula Deen, a southern cooking maven whose “Butter is Better” cuisine and “Ah luhv y’all” demeanor makes me secretly yearn for a third grandma.
(Not that the other two couldn’t/can’t cook … but they couldn’t/can’t.)
(Sorry, passed-on Grandma! Sorry, alive Grandma!)
(Back to the point.)
In other words, I like to eat. I’m good at it. I practice a lot.
My favorite fare, even moreso than Thai (spicy!), Japanese (subtle!) or Ethiopian (goat is delicious!) is Soul Food (caps necessary!).
Soul Food makes me crave lard. It makes my mouth brim with drool. It makes my digestive system wish it could live on its own, free of my brain’s calorie-counting tyranny, so it could gorge on Soul Food whenever it damn well pleased.
In fact, if my stomach was a lady, I imagine she would laugh heartily, sing loudly in church choir and call everyone “Honeychild.” Her favorite place would be a rocking chair on the front porch of a stately Alabama colonial, with a hand-held floral paper fan providing all the breezy shade her estate’s weeping willows couldn’t quite muster. She would hold a doctorate in anthropology, but still wear a straw hat and ask all the neighbors to call her “Miss Tummy.”
But most of all, my stomachlady would cook Soul Food – often, and like a motherfucker.
She’d specialize in perfectly-seasoned fried chicken and creamy macaroni and cheese casserole. She’d sauté collard greens just right and cook barbecued ribs of such quality that Satan himself would choke out, “Good job, Miss Tummy. No hell for you today,” through mouthfuls of succulent meat. She’d bake cornbread to gritty, chewy magnificence, and whip up steaming vats of oxtail stew that if they were people, you’d elope with them, even if it meant no bachelor party.
Alas, Miss Tummy doesn’t exist. But there is an alternative.
Located smack dab in Harlem at 151st St. and Frederick Douglass Blvd, Charles’ Southern Style Kitchen has single-handedly derailed at least two of my most semi-successful diets. Approximately the size of a regulation baby crib, it holds eight or so tables, complete with checkered tablecloths and neato plastic cup utensil holders. The Soul Food buffet is unlimited, as are the all-you-can-drink lemonade and divine satisfaction reaped from scarfing 14 pounds of yams.
Best part? Lunch is $10. Dinner’s $12.
If you or your stomachlady cook like either of my grandmas and have an unquenchable craving for mounds of meat, starch and the sporadic vegetable, head to Charles’.
You can tell them Miss Tummy sent you.
Charles’ Southern Style Kitchen2841 Frederick Douglass Blvd
New York, NY 10039
(212) 926-4313
Cross Street: 151st Street
Directions: D at 155th St
BCD's PEOPLE WHO ROCK - MICHELE MEDLIN
The first time I saw Michele Medlin, it was at the Parkside Lounge. She was performing with her group Chicken Ranch at the weekly variety show, Ash Wednesday. She was hilarious. She was confident. She was surprising. She was INTIMIDATING.
Michele radiates a star quality that many in the comedy community pray for, but will never achieve. How did she get so good? Maybe it’s because she’s been charming audiences she was 6. It all started with a dinner theater rendition of “Annie Get Your Gun.” “According to my mother, I stopped the show every night,” she says.
It’s not hard to believe. She went on rock the dinner theater crowds in “The Music Man,” “Fiddler on the Roof,” “Carousel” and “The Miracle Worker.”
In spite of Michele’s assertion that she is “the worst dancer in the history of the world,” it was right around age 8 that she decided her goal in life was to be a choreographer for Broadway. When it came time to go to college, she went right to “a small North Carolina Baptist college” (Yeah, I don’t fully understand that one either, but she promises that it had a great musical theater program), and before long, Michele found her way to New York City and on to the stage.
While in NYC, Michele has gone from children’s theater (“I think kids love me because I sound and look like them and because I swear.”), to starting her own theater company (Small Planet Theater Company), to anime voiceovers. In “The Bride of Darkness II,” she claims, “I was the bride and while I was getting married to a demon, he raped me at the altar. He had so many different things to rape me with and those tentacles got into all my oracles. I don't understand why he couldn't wait until the honeymoon. It's hard being raped by a demon. I don't recommend it.”
Finally, Michele hit the improv stage, performing with groups like Chicken Ranch and elmo.
Those who are lucky enough to share the stage with Michele can’t stop singing her praises. Fellow Chicken Rancher and close friend Sarah Nowak explains, “I have been told my weakness is ‘not embracing my power.’ It's a problem a lot of performers have. I think Michele embraces her power, and owns it and wields it and hits you with it and sucks you into a gooey orb of it.”
Stan Laikowski (Michele’s boyfriend or her “stanny” as she calls him) says, “I know I can throw anything Michele's way, and she'll catch it and return it.”
For a girl who moved around most of her life, Michele may just have found a home, “Since getting into improv, I feel like I found this community of people just like me.”
So, what’s she like when no one is watching?
According to Stan, very much the same. “Michele just has goofy in the bones. She wakes up out of a dead sleep and within 30 seconds she's making me laugh. Once I watched her make eggs and potatoes. She had no idea I was watching. She was just putting ingredients together and cooking. Her mannerisms were just as intriguing to watch as if she had been on a stage doing it.”
That’s the thing, to know Michele on stage is only to know a very small part of her. Offstage, she is one of the sweetest, most down-to-earth people I have ever met. “She is hilarious, beautiful, smart, and someone I can truly count on. And there isn't a whole universe of that floating around… I think I have gotten funnier from being around her… I have become a happier person,” says Stan.
Sarah adds, “She is generous and loving. She is very good to have as a friend. Like, seriously, don't piss her off or treat anybody she loves poorly. She is loyal and crazy feisty. She actually makes me feel really good about myself, which is cool. She is amazingly supportive… I tell her everything, good and bad, and she knows exactly how to make me feel better about stuff, by offering to stab anyone who makes me feel bad. She has an innate sense of justice and fights for the underdog.”
The underdogs that Michele fights for hardest are children. “I wasn't really protected as a child and so, I'm overly protective now. I also think (GHEY ALERT) that kids don't have childhoods any more and if I can at least help in some small way.” The thing that bothers her the most: “grown-ups beating up on kids ... with hands or voices ... that makes me fucking bat-ass crazy sad. Stupid cocks. I understand that your life is HARD but fucking put yourself in their shoes for two fucking seconds.”
So there you have it, sheÂ’s a star on stage, a great friend and she loves little kids. What else do you need to know about her?
“I wish that white people could say the ‘n’ word. I really wish that I could. I don't think I should though.” - Michele
“Girl can cook! Also, she doesn't want you to know this, but her sweater puppies are pretty fantastic.” - Sarah Nowak
“She has a freckle in her left eye. So she took care of her part of the ‘Such Great Heights’ song.” - Stan Laikowski
Now that I’ve sung the praises of Michele, here’s where you can see her or her writings and bask in her comedic glory:
Chicken Ranch: http://chickenranchnyc.blogspot.com/
Michele says: “Chicken Ranch is going to the Carolina Comedy Festival
again this year. We went last year. And, we're going to be 'special guests' at Ash Wednesday every Wednesday for the month of April. I love the girls of CR. They are just so fucking beautiful. Each one is a miracle to get to know.”
Elmo: http://www.myspace.com/elmoimprov
Michele says: “Me and Jeff Scherer, who is a fucking genius God Lover Boy of Goodness, do two-person improv, and will be at Ash Wednesday on March 22nd.”
Kill Secretary Kill: http://www.killsecretarykill.blogspot.com/
Michele says, “Me and Sarah Nowak do a blog that makes me laugh hard. I love her.”
And finally, where does she see herself in 5 years?
“If I say this out loud as in on a blog in the internet, it will come true right? I see myself as working on a cartoon with a couple of kids and a nice Stanny! in a brownstone in Brooklyn… I love Stan
Laikowski, he's my heart.”
I’m a moron. A nitwit. A drooling blockhead, shamefully ignorant of civic policy and governmental doctrine - especially the finer points of our judicial system. So, as part of my MA program last semester, I took a Media Law class.
