The Bee Chair Debates...

BCD’S FUN THINGS TO DO THAT ARE ALSO, COINCIDENTALLY, KIND OF EDUCATIONAL:

Perusing Supreme Court Cases

By Kristen S.

I’m a moron. A nitwit. A drooling blockhead, shamefully ignorant of civic policy and governmental doctrine - especially the finer points of our judicial system. So, as part of my MA program last semester, I took a Media Law class.

I’m still a blockhead, but now I’m a marginally more informed one (woo-hoo!). Why? Well, besides temporarily giving me the impression I was Perry Mason, the course introduced me to the remarkably engrossing and often inadvertently hilarious world of Supreme Court cases.

Nowhere is there a more riveting collection of brilliant analysis, overt prejudice, fiery argument, xenophobic jackassery, and flat-out great American writing. Not even on “The Sopranos.”

Things I learned:

-Sterilizing the mentally retarded was once an acceptable practice in the U.S., and thanks to the 8-1 ruling on Buck v. Bell (1927), completely legal as well. Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. wrote the Court’s majority opinion, and declared (wait for it …), “Three generations of imbeciles are enough.”

-Ruth Bader Ginsburg is the citation QUEEN. Not that Justices are legendarily stingy with attribution, but her honor can’t get through a sentence without footnoting and endnoting it to death. To wit:

Dear Diary,
Today (1), the tension between Antonin (2) and I nearly became too much to bear (3). How I long to tear off these robes and present myself to him, not as an Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court (4), but as a Woman in her post-menopausal prime (5).
Also, something happened with the unlawful detention of American citizens (6).
-RuthieBG
__________________________________
1. March 28th, 2006.
2. Scalia. Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court, 1986-present.
3. “Bear” meaning “handle,” not “large forest mammal.”
4. Me.
5. Again, me.
6. Rumsfeld v. Padilla, 124 S.Ct. 2230
(2004).

-George Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words” routine is transcribed in full in FCC v. Pacifica (1978). Y’know, in case you need to find out if “cocksucker” came before or after “motherfucker” for your next paper (SIDE NOTE: I did.).

-William Brennan was a stud and a visionary. Eisenhower once called his appointments of Brennan and future Chief Justice Earl Warren (he of the Warren Commission) “damn fool mistakes,” but couldn’t have been dead wronger. W.B. called out social and economic inequities long before his peers were even aware that women, children and non-white people were living inside U.S. borders. Want proof? Check out Furman v. Georgia (1972), New York Times v. Sullivan (1960) and the aforementioned FCC v. Pacifica (1978).

-Rehnquist? Kind of funny. Or at least, a lover of show tunes.

-Though presented with compelling evidence otherwise, in Nix v. Hedden (1893), the highest court in the land unanimously determined the tomato was a vegetable – not, as argued, a fruit. This is disturbing because:

A) The Supreme Court ruled was forced to rule on the identification of a tomato,

And,

B) They were wrong! Okay, ostensibly, the decision was made for the benefit of produce companies, but – COME ON. Let’s imagine a similar situation, in which Americans start referring to “computers” as “bears”:

Scene: the Supreme Court, where Microsoft-Chairman-slash-world-famous-supergenius Bill Gates is making a case for calling computers by their rightful names. Don’t ask me why he doesn’t have a lawyer. I don’t know.

BILL GATES: Well, your Honors, there’s overwhelming evidence that this jigamathing with the pixels and wires is not, in fact, a large forest mammal, but a Commodore 64!

JUSTICE STEVENS: Doesn’t matter, Bill Gates, you jerk! If we say it’s a bear, then it’s a bear!

BILL GATES: (donates remaining billions to AIDS research)
(kills self in face)

JUSTICE STEVENS: Stenographer! Yeah, you, dollface. Clean this mess up already! Oh, and pull up my medication schedule on that bear over there. Thanks.

Predicted Ironic Coda: Stevens will be mauled by a grizz on a hunting trip in 2035. His compatriots will fail to heed the rescue calls of the 115-year-old Justice, believing him merely to be yelling at his Apple G23 again.

Whether it’s for massive self-improvement, a few giggles, or if you just want to find out if the tomato thing is true, FindLaw.com has a cornucopia of USSC (that’s what “lawyers,” “judges,” and “people” call the Supreme Court) cases right on your bear.

If you don’t go, Uncle Sam will smite you.

FindLaw.com
http://www.findlaw.com/casecode/supreme.html

posted by Kris at 1:44 AM