by Kristen
It was a time of hope and sweet denial...
...of Eddie Bauer V-necks and leopard-print kerchiefs...
...of Laura Bush's single, comforting facial expression ("sedated") and Arnold Schwarzenegger's hilarious plays on words (“Osama is a Predatuh who needs a Total Recall, but Junior will surely turn him into The Running Man.”).
Of course, I speak of the 2004 Republican National Convention.
Flash back with me now, as we revisit Manhattan in that fateful September.
And remember - when in doubt, Jason Sehorn is a marginally better speaker-for-hire than he was cornerback for the Giants.
We begin...
~~~
The caravan I saw from my balcony while we were on the phone last night – I’m almost positive it was the President being escorted into Manhattan. Nothing else explains 50 cop cars and three helicopters on the L.I.E. at 9pm, unless Billy Joel’s been drinking again. (Hey-yo! I’m here all week folks.) My theory is that Bush has been in Queens the whole time, staying at the one place other New Yorkers are least likely to be in September – Shea Stadium.
Stupid Marlins.
Anyway, I walked to 34th St. last night to see if there would be any righteous indignation crowding the streets around MSG. Instead, I found about 400 cops, 10 square blocks of portable metal fencing, and a couple zillion shoppers trying to get to Old Navy for No-Tax Week. Regular pedestrians were restricted to the sidewalks (by threat of arrest), but delegates were allowed to roam freely, presumably so they could further bespoil our fine city with American-flag Izods and caviar-stained chinos. I’m glad the cops are shielding the RNC-ers against a populace they obviously have no wish to actually interact with.
Now that I know how to spot conventioneers (they’re wearing Olympic-style press passes), it’s become apparent that delegates can be easily spliced into two groups: those who claim Barbie and Ken as their parents, and those who’ve been beaten repeatedly, possibly to unconsciousness, with the Ugly Stick. There’s no in-between on the Attract-o-meter. The younger women look like Swedish stewardesses, replete with pressed navy blue business suits and immovable blonde Brinkley (Christie, not David) hair, while ladies 35-and-older appear to have been birthed from the unholy union of Leona Helmsley and Chewbacca. This became incredibly apparent last night during the Miller/Cheney speeches, as the cameras cut between Vogue models and 50-year-old virgins.
Speaking of the, er … speeches … as expected, last night the GOP tore Kerry a new one. Strategically, it’s probably so Dubya would be able to appear resoundingly positive tonight. In case you guys missed Senator Miller’s near-insane, venom-spewing diatribe, please let me summarize:
“I am very old, and I have a family. President Bush will protect my family, at all costs. John Kerry, if elected, will invite Osama Bin Laden to kill my family and feast on the flesh of my young ones. So, remember - Bush/Cheney ’04: They Won’t Kill or Eat My Family. Probably.”
It is my fondest hope Miller is secretly a closeted homosexual, and will be besieged by drag queens for the remainder of the convention.
Compared to this jackhole, Dick Cheney came off almost human-like. The V.P. has passable oratory skills, but looks like Igor and possesses the vocal inflection of a Speak and Spell. His speech was pointed, but disappointingly, only vaguely evil. I definitely expected more overt malice: “I’m Dick Cheney, and I dine on the souls of the unbelievers! Muahahahahaha!”
I write about J-Lo’s butt for a living, so by karmic rights, I shouldn’t be allowed to highlight scripting mistakes in painstakingly-constructed political speeches. However, Cheney made an interesting rhetorical flub last night that must be pointed out. About mid-speech, he delivered a line that should have been said this way: “We are faced with an enemy…and we CAN NOT wait for the next attack.”
Instead, he said it like this: “We are faced with an enemy…and we can not WAIT for the next attack.”
Despite weirdo Freudian slips like this, the Republicans have handled logistics of the convention very well, especially from a press viewpoint. The order and themes of the speeches have been impeccable, with each night hitting a rousing (if not factually accurate) zenith, from Rudy to Ahnuld to Dick. The Republican Public Relations staff must be weak with back-patting by now. I wish the Dems showed this kind of organization with their message. I really do.
posted by Kris at
2:36 PM
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