Friday, we started dissecting our breakups in order to determine the best way to give a no-longer-loved one the boot. Today, the snifflethon continues...
PART II: MASS CONFUSION
(wherein we're not exactly sure what happened)
THE NON-CONFRONTATIONAL CAKEWALK
Participants: Sedate Theater Lighting Designer, Kristen
Who Initiated Breakup: God
Reason: Homesickness (him), restlessness (me), gain of 30 pounds by both parties (er ... both)
Methodology: He moved back to Ohio
Effectiveness: High
Sensitivity: High
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Upper: N/A
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Uppee: N/A
Comments: Since there were deep-seated relationship issues but no real animosity, his relocation provided a convenient/kickass excuse to cut the cord. Best part: we didn’t have to address anything, so there could still be guilt-free hookups later. Highly recommended, especially for the terminally passive (hi, me!).
THE PSYCHOSIS-REVEALING SCREAMING SESSION
Participants: Hot, Manipulative, Semi-Universally-Reviled Triathlete; Rachel
Who Initiated Breakup: Rachel
Reason: After 6 months or so, man-boy triathlete started getting freak-crazy weird.
Methodology: A frank discussion that resulted in him devolving into a fit, the likes/antics of which would impress and stupefy the love child of Henry Rollins and Peter Finch circa "Network."
Effectiveness: High.
Sensitivity: Moderate.
Heartbreak Factor - Breaker-Upper: Significant, but dealable.
Heartbreak Factor - Breaker-Uppee: Enormous, but brief.
Comments: At the time of the break up, Triathlete was full of accusations.
Triathlete: You're so cold and analytical! It's like you're standing there in your lab coat with your clipboard evaluating how I respond when you bring me into public around people you know!
Me: So, you mean, you feel like I'm clinically evaluating you when I introduce you to my family and friends?
Triathlete: When you say it that way, it makes me sound crazy!
Also, I thought it was a nice touch that within a week of our break up, he started having sex with the recent ex-girlfriend of one of my best friends. Go figure.
THE WE NEVER REALLY DECIDED IN THE FIRST PLACE
Participants: Girl I Liked but My Buddy Liked More, Dustin
Who Initiated Breakup: Both, but to be honest, more so her. So much so she was cheating on me.
Reason: We were better friends than people who fool around.
Methodology: Nice polite conversation.
Effectiveness: Medium
Sensitivity: Pretty Good Amount (but more on that later)
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Upper: Low
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Uppee: Low and Medium later
Comments: All was fine. Then a month after everything ended I found out she was having sex with my friend during the whole thing, sometimes before or after we went out. So that sucked.
TOMORROW: PART III – ADULTHOOD!
posted by Kris at
10:38 AM
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