The Bee Chair Debates...

BCD’S GUIDE TO BREAKING UP

By Dustin, Rachel and Kristen

Someone once claimed, “Breaking up is hard to do.” Many years later, another person said, “YOU’RE dumping ME? I hope you die on the way home.”

So, uh, yeah. Like the love affairs that spawn them, breakups have changed somewhat over time. Since the three of us are well-versed in the art of Ending a Relationship, we thought we’d share our deep, regrettable knowledge with the universe.

What follows is a three-part evaluation; a tryst-by-tryst examination of major breakups in each of our lives. By reliving them in painstaking, trauma-inducing detail, we hope to discern the best possible way to chuck that not-so-special (anymore) significant other.

First, a key!

Participants – Those who took part in the relationship at least 50% of the time.
Who Initiated Breakup – Who did the dumping?
Reason – There’s always one. Or two. Or in some cases, twelve.
Methodology – How did the dumping occur?
Effectiveness (low/medium/high) – How final was the breakup? Was it prolonged and torturous, or did you walk away whistling “We are the Champions”?
Sensitivity (low/medium/high) – Was the breakup handled with the utmost sympathy for the other’s feelings? Or did you just want to get the hell out of there? Essentially: were you/him/her an asshole?
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Upper/Uppee (low/medium/high) – Who got hurt? How bad? When you stared headlong into the abyss, did you see anything neat?
Comments – Duh.

Now, the evaluations!

PART I: WE WERE SO YOUNG

THE UNEARNED LONG DISTANCE
Participants: Some Girl Who Could Roller-skate, Dustin
Who Initiated Breakup: Roller Girl
Reason: We were both too busy to care
Methodology: Annoying and unnecessary call while I was visiting my grandmother.
Effectiveness: High
Sensitivity: None
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Upper: Unknown
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Uppee: Whateva dude…
Comments: I didn’t really even care that much, for some reason she wanted to break up so much she got my grandmother’s phone number for the two hours that I was visiting her, so she could break up with me then. What’s up with that?

THE COLLEGIATE MASSACRE
Participants: Red-headed Swimmer, Kristen
Who Initiated Breakup: Kristen
Reason: I was going to college.
Methodology: “I’m going to college. We need to break up.”
Effectiveness: High
Sensitivity: Low
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Upper: Low
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Uppee: Medium
Comments: I was going to college. Me. College. Going there. Where there would be boys. And no parents. Come ON.

THE QUESTIONABLE FADE
Participants: Hot, Manipulative, Universally-Reviled Surfer; Rachel
Who Initiated Breakup: It's questionable (see title). I had to verify, but he had initiated the break up long before.
Reason: The "relationship" was too much effort. Also, he was cheating on me with girls numbering in, like, the triple digits. Seriously.
Methodology: Not returning my phone calls; pretending not to know who I was in public.
Effectiveness: High.
Sensitivity: Negligent.
Heartbreak Factor - Breaker-Upper: "Stay real, baby. And keep on keepin' on."
Heartbreak Factor - Breaker-Uppee: Excruciatingly, embarrassingly high.
Comments: Granted, I was 17 and this was my first * real * boyfriend, but it sucked beyond suckage. Also, I found out way after the fact that he had been cheating on me with girls numbering in the triple digits. Seriously. All said, I felt the worst for his mom; she had to keep coming up with new excuses about why he couldn't get to thephone: "Oh—him? He…um…had to go tape his new lacrosse stick, so he won't be home for…uh…[whispering in background to confirm time] really, until late tonight. I'll tell him you called, sweetie. And…maybe you should. Um. Oh, you poor dear. Are there any nice boys you've met up at college?"

MONDAY: PART II – MASS CONFUSION!

posted by Kris at 12:03 PM