The Bee Chair Debates...

BCD'S STRONGLY WORDED LETTER

To The Office of Representative Steve Israel,

I realize that you have only been representing Suffolk County since 2000, so let me start by taking the time to tell you a little bit about the history of the town that I grew up in, Northport.* It’s a nice little town** of roughly 7,600 people. It’s got a solid school system and it’s a great tourist location. Downtown looks amazing during the sunset***. Jack Kerouac once lived there. Everything about the town says it’s a great place to grow up and raise a family.

In fact, the only black mark on its record (in recent years) came in the spring of 1984. You see, at that time Northport was home to a 17 year old fuckup by the name of Ricky. He was a drug addict / dealer with an affinity for acid, a high school dropout and an all around Grade A Douche bag****. Long story short, Ricky savagely and ritualistically killed someone in the name of Satan and left his body in the woods, thereby upping his status from Grade A Douche bag to full blown fucking nut job.

It was a tragedy that shook the town to its core. The woods where the body was found were eventually cut down. Then they built houses there. Then … my parents bought one of those houses.

That brings me to the point of this letter. NOBODY TOLD US WHEN WE BOUGHT THE HOUSE SOMEONE HAD BEEN MURDERED IN THE NAME OF SATAN IN THE EQUIVALENT OF OUR BASEMENT. I firmly believe that this type of information should in fact be legally required to be in the pamphlet***** when you are showing a house. This is not the type of information that one should find out after say, living in the house for four years. It is definitely not the type of information that one should find out when they are 16 years old from a “friend“ at midnight during a weekend where his or her parents are away for a couple of days and he or she is staying home alone for the very first time.

Now, I admit that when we purchased the house we did not specifically ask, “Hey, was anyone sacrificed to the dark lord on this property? And is it very possible that their soul is still here and it’s angry and looking for revenge? ******” So I am writing to ask you to make it a law that you tell people this type of information when they are looking to buy or rent property. Again, I admit that we probably got a better deal on the place because of the high likelihood of a poltergeist, but if we had know we could have used it as a bargaining chip or at least had the opportunity to not purchase a house which will one day most likely have walls that are bleeding.

Believe me, I understand that there is nothing you can do about it now. The past is the past and I realize that *******. I would just appreciate it greatly if you could make it your mission to make sure that his doesn’t happen to anyone else. Thanks for your time. Now I have to go; the dog keeps yelling at me about ridding the Earth of the unclean.

Sincerely ********,

Dustin D’Addato

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* Technically it is a village in the town of Huntington, but how pretentious does that sound. Did you know your country even has hamlets? What the hell are those?

** Despite it being the headquarters of the KKK on Long Island at one point. Our local Gap is actually located in a building named after the grand wizard or whatever they are called, but that was like 1910s & ‘20s or something. People are a lot more open-minded now.

*** Granted every place looks cooler at sunset, but this is seriously pretty.

**** Please note that for the above comparison of Ricky to a douchebag that it is understood that there is an inverse relationship of character to quality of douchebag. Therefore Ricky is a Grade A, while say Mother Theresa is a Grade F Douchebag.

***** Or Craigslist posting.

****** Which as you would imagine is something that I ask every landlord about now. I may get some weird looks, but I will not be fooled again. I also make sure of asking every girl I am romantically interested, “are you now and have you always been a chick?” I’ve seen enough episodes of Jerry Springer and Real Sex to know that kind of shit can sneak up on you, and much like getting stabbed in the face, no thank you.

******* I just hope that his ghost feels the same way, you know what I’m saying? You don’t know? I mean that I hope that he doesn’t posses anyone in my family, makes them go crazy and cut us all up in the middle of the night because he’s still all pissed off and he wants to get back at somebody even if they had nothing to do with his murder and would change what happened if it was in his power to do so. (ppssssttt. I think he may be reading this over my shoulder)

******** and sleeping with one eye open

posted by Dustin D'Addato at 11:27 AM