The Bee Chair Debates...

BCD'S GUIDE TO BREAKING UP (continued)

Today, the third and final part of our, uh, three-part series on breakups …

PART III: ADULTHOOD
(wherein we all learn valuable lessons)

THE LATE-NIGHT PHONE CALL
Participants: Balding, Manipulative, Universally-Reviled Banker; Rachel
Who Initiated Breakup: Rachel
Reason: Banker: "After 4 years of this, if I'm ever going to really love you, I need to know that, within a year's time, you'll be willing to: quit your job, never work again, leave New York (never to return), move South with me, get married, have my kids, become an orthodox Jew, and never speak to your family again. Also, you're not funny. Remember that."
Methodology: "No. 'Bye."
Effectiveness: High.
Sensitivity: Moderate.
Heartbreak Factor - Breaker-Upper: Vast.
Heartbreak Factor - Breaker-Uppee: Semi-vast?
Comments: If there's one thing to learn from all this, it's that if ALL OF your friends and family hate the guy, they're probably right. Also, you should probably think twice if he thinks that 1999-era Eddie Murphy is the most brilliant comic ever to breathe, and that it's cool to invite you and your pals to his house, and then greet you at the door wearing pee-stained boxers.

THE BLINDSIDER
Participants: Good-hearted Hippie, Kristen
Who Initiated Breakup: Good-hearted Hippie
Reason: Unknown
Methodology: Two hours of silence followed by Four Words of Pain (FWoP).
Effectiveness: High
Sensitivity: Medium
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Upper: Unknown
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Uppee: Astronomical
Comments: Downside: paralyzing despair. Upside: I got over it, and grew to respect him for having the balls to say something (saving us both from the perilous, mutually destructive Slow Downward Spiral). Also, we kept in touch through shared friends, and I got to see him turn from a good kid to an even better man. So there’s that.

THE USEFUL BREAKUP
Participants: My Current Girlfriend, Dustin
Who Initiated Breakup: She did.
Reason: I was not committed to the relationship and I was not making her a top priority. (I thought I was, but looking at it now, I wasn’t)
Methodology: Short tearful conversation.
Effectiveness: NONE! We have been back together for years and better than ever.
Sensitivity: Medium
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Upper: High
Heartbreak Factor – Breaker-Uppee: Very High
Comments: As much as it sucked at the time, I am sort of glad it happened. It sort of crystallized the whole thing for me and made me realize how much I like her and that I really needed to step it up and show her. We got back together about a month later. We’ve been so much closer ever since.

FINAL ANALYSIS: After hours upon hours (read: 15 seconds) of consideration, we've concluded the best way to jettison a soon-to-be-ex is for one of you to move to Ohio. And really, when you think about it, don't we all move to Ohio eventually anyway?

posted by Kris at 10:36 AM